Lance's threats

I am having trouble sleeping.

Damien brought me back to the catacombs. He killed me, but only after I had pleaded. As soon as it was done, I felt whole again.

So I am with my family; Damien, Xan, and the others. I need them, and the truth is, they need me, too.

The knights are hysterical, of course. We have been turning humans right and left. Some come willingly; some simply catch our eye and we take them whether they like it or not. Once they are turned they thank us. Living humans cannot know the pleasure and joy in undeath.

So Lancelot has ruined any chance he had with me. Before we turned a mage and her slave, he tried to get me to stop it. He told me if we killed them, I would never see the babies again. And he would never sleep with me again, either.

I had not captured the females; it was not my decision to make. He said I had the power to stop it; he overestimates my influence amongst the others. Any show of human weakness - such as a need for his affection or to see my infants - and the Undead would turn on me.

They should turn on me in such a case, or I would lose all respect for them myself.

But I am formulating a plan. I must see my children; if trickery is required, that is what I shall resort to. I will not leave them under his power - he uses them to attempt to control the undead through their influence on me. I will not be the pawn of a knight.

We have a plan, and the knight will pay.

And in the end, I will have him in my bed again. My strength and skill with a sword do not match his; yet I have powerful weapons at my disposal. I managed to seduce the knight before, and to bear his young as well. I have a strong influence over him; I will get my way.

The babies were born.

They are lovely -- a girl with wings, so beautiful she shines. Surely she is Lancelot's. And a dark boy with horns, his strength already apparent. He is certainly Julian's.

Lancelot has taken them to be with his family in Avalon. He says his daughter is to be the next Lady of the Lake, when the time comes that his mother gives up the title. He wants his daughter to be prepared and we both want the children raised away from the perils in Ireem.

He was kind to take Julian's son as well. Julian wanted the magi to have him; I did not. I don't trust them.

faith

Julian has left Ireem. I know not where or why - I only know he is gone.

He asked me once to trust him, and I gave him my promise that I would. But I find my faith weakening more and more every day.

I find myself once again wandering Ireem. I speak to no one unless spoken to first. Mostly I sleep. I would go in search of him; I would follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked. But I suspect he has left Ireem in order to escape me for some reason.

So I can only wait, and hold on to whatever tatters of faith I can find in my heart, trying to stitch the scraps together, trying to trust just because I said I would.

The truth is, I am not very good at faith.

Perhaps I am not really a living woman after all. Perhaps I have fallen into purgatory, an endless period of waiting... waiting to be told that it is time to grieve. Waiting to be told that it's time to yell, to scream, to throw things at walls and smash my own heart beneath my feet.

I feel a scream growing deep inside me, from the pit of my soul, a monster that would consume me. I struggle to keep it contained. I am not very good at restraint of emotion. It seems to take all my energies to silence this beast and keep it chained and locked away.

Missing Julian has become a mantra. My friends are kind, they have not forgotten me; but somehow Ireem becomes a corpse of what it was. Julian was my purpose; I know not how I should go on.