faith

Julian has left Ireem. I know not where or why - I only know he is gone.

He asked me once to trust him, and I gave him my promise that I would. But I find my faith weakening more and more every day.

I find myself once again wandering Ireem. I speak to no one unless spoken to first. Mostly I sleep. I would go in search of him; I would follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked. But I suspect he has left Ireem in order to escape me for some reason.

So I can only wait, and hold on to whatever tatters of faith I can find in my heart, trying to stitch the scraps together, trying to trust just because I said I would.

The truth is, I am not very good at faith.

Perhaps I am not really a living woman after all. Perhaps I have fallen into purgatory, an endless period of waiting... waiting to be told that it is time to grieve. Waiting to be told that it's time to yell, to scream, to throw things at walls and smash my own heart beneath my feet.

I feel a scream growing deep inside me, from the pit of my soul, a monster that would consume me. I struggle to keep it contained. I am not very good at restraint of emotion. It seems to take all my energies to silence this beast and keep it chained and locked away.

Missing Julian has become a mantra. My friends are kind, they have not forgotten me; but somehow Ireem becomes a corpse of what it was. Julian was my purpose; I know not how I should go on.